How Voluntary Celibacy Nurtures Self-Discovery
W&S Culture and Society Editor
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Imagine a realm where relationships defy convention, and self-discovery takes the spotlight. Enter the captivating world of voluntary celibacy—a thought-provoking lifestyle that has set the digital landscape ablaze. From TikTok to Instagram, this empowering choice, known colloquially online as being "volcel," has captured the imagination of many women. Today, we unravel the enigma behind voluntary celibacy and explore the profound allure it holds.
What is “Voluntary Celibate?”
Voluntary celibacy, a conscious decision to abstain from conventional romantic and sexual entanglements, embraces a path of liberation from external pressures and societal norms. For those who subscribe to it, they argue it helps them to prioritize personal growth, self-exploration, and meaningful connections that transcend physical intimacy.
Before we deep-dive, let's untangle the delicate threads that distinguish voluntary celibacy from abstinence—a distinction often obscured. While celibacy embodies a lifelong commitment, rooted in spiritual pursuits or profound beliefs, abstinence manifests as a temporary respite from sexual activities, driven by personal choices or circumstances.
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The TikToker known as @thecosmoqueen, for instance, inadvertently chose celibacy when she decided that she wasn’t going to “give anybody [her] sexual energy if they’re not deserving of it”. When searching for women's discourse on the topic of voluntary celibacy, particularly in communities aimed at women of color, this seems to be a repeating theme in the explanations for why this choice is important. Here are a plethora of quotes I gathered from there (and a friend as well):
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Choosing celibacy is choosing yourself and reclaiming your power.
– Shawnte’ L.P.
Being celibate as a woman is a choice.
— @tinymystic via TokTok
I think this increase in abstaining is happening because a lot of women are beginning to consider the collateral damage associated with intimacy in dating.
— @thecindynoir via TikTok
In the digital world, the rise of voluntary celibacy on platforms like TikTok and Instagram adds both confusion and intrigue to its allure. Often, the phrase voluntary celibacy and the term abstinence are interchangeably used. Content creators using the hashtag #volcel or discussing being voluntary celibate on your timelines might not be aware that their choices to forgo sexual relations until they’ve feel they’ve built intimate connections with potential partners beyond what’s physical is actually abstinence.
Interestingly, celibacy as a radical movement for self-empowerment in POC communities has a longer, more complicated legacy than one might first assume. In the early 20th century, amidst the turmoil of racial segregation and inequality, emerged the remarkable story of Sister Thea Bowman. Bowman was a trailblazing African-American Catholic nun who embraced celibacy as a profound spiritual commitment. Sister Thea's dedication to her faith led her to become a prominent advocate for racial justice and a source of inspiration for women of color worldwide.
However, radical feminists have also delved into how and why celibacy can be used as a tool for the liberation of women. Writer and thought leader Audre Lorde, for instance, wrote about the concept of celibacy as a form of reclaiming power and autonomy in her essay "Uses of the Erotic: The Erotic as Power,". For Lorde, celibacy is not solely about abstaining from sexual relationships but rather embracing the fullness of one's desires and sensuality on one's own terms.
Through her radical and feminist lens, Audre Lorde illuminates the transformative potential of celibacy as a means to resist oppressive structures and liberate the self. Her perspectives on celibacy expand the discourse on sexual liberation, inviting women of color to embrace their own desires and explore their sensual selves in ways that defy conventional expectations.
Why are More Women Joining the Voluntarily Celibate Movement?
To understand this growing phenomenon, we must delve into the historical context of hookup culture, which traces its roots back to the second wave feminist movement. While acknowledging the gains made by women through sexual liberation, such as increased access to family planning and comprehensive sexual healthcare, many heterosexual women find themselves grappling with a sense of unfulfillment in dating situations that tend to disproportionately benefit men.
The second wave feminist movement, which gained momentum in the 1960s and 1970s, played a crucial role in challenging traditional gender roles and advocating for sexual liberation. Women fought tirelessly for reproductive rights, paving the way for increased access to family planning methods, comprehensive sexual healthcare, and the right to make informed choices about their bodies and sexuality.
Amidst this sexual revolution, hookup culture began to flourish, emphasizing casual and non-committal sexual encounters as a symbol of liberation and empowerment. However, as time progressed, it became evident that this newfound sexual freedom did not always translate into genuine equality in dating and relationships.
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In today's dating landscape, many heterosexual women feel a sense of disillusionment as they navigate the murky waters of hookup culture. Despite the strides made in the fight for gender equality, traditional dating norms and expectations often persist, with women frequently bearing the emotional burden and facing unequal power dynamics.
While embracing their sexuality and exercising agency over their bodies, women sometimes find themselves grappling with the pervasive sense that modern dating can be inherently skewed in favor of men. The pressure to conform to hook up culture's casual norms can leave many feeling unfulfilled and yearning for more meaningful connections.
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Enter voluntary celibacy—a conscious choice made by women seeking to reclaim their power and autonomy within the dating landscape. For some, celibacy becomes an act of resistance—a way to break free from societal expectations and focus on personal growth and self-discovery. It allows women to redefine their relationship with their bodies, sexuality, and emotional well-being on their terms.
Voluntarily celibate women challenge the notion that romantic relationships must conform to predefined roles and norms. By eschewing hookup culture, they open themselves up to a world of possibilities, emphasizing genuine connections and emotional intimacy over fleeting encounters.
In embracing celibacy, women assert their agency, rejecting the notion that their worth is defined by their ability to fit into conventional dating paradigms. It becomes a transformative journey of self-awareness and empowerment, allowing them to set boundaries, prioritize their happiness, and define their relationships on their own terms.
Our Tips for Maintaining Your Voluntary Celibacy
If the idea of engaging in voluntary celibacy resonates with you, we offer you invaluable tips to make the most of your experience. Voluntary celibacy is not merely about abstaining from sexual relationships; it's an opportunity to delve into a realm of personal growth, self-fulfillment, and genuine connections. Here are our guiding suggestions for nurturing your voluntary celibacy:
Embrace Self-Pleasure: Take the time to explore your own body and desires through self-pleasure. Removing societal stigmas surrounding solo intimacy allows you to understand your needs and pleasure points, fostering a deeper connection with yourself.
Cultivate New Hobbies: Voluntary celibacy provides a unique opportunity to invest time in your passions and interests. Explore new hobbies or rediscover old ones, enriching your life with fulfilling activities that bring joy and fulfillment.
Engage in Self-Reflection: Introspection is key to understanding your desires, boundaries, and goals. Regular self-reflection helps you identify areas of growth and fosters a deeper connection with your inner self.
Seek Professional Support: Therapy can be a transformative tool in your voluntary celibacy journey. Working with a therapist allows you to process emotions, heal inner wounds, and build resilience, ultimately empowering you to embrace a more authentic and empowered self.
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Prioritize Emotional Intimacy: Focus on building emotional connections with others, fostering friendships and relationships based on mutual understanding, trust, and shared values. Meaningful emotional intimacy can be just as fulfilling as physical intimacy.
Practice Mindfulness: Embrace mindfulness as a way to stay present and attuned to your feelings and experiences. Being mindful allows you to savor life's moments, develop self-awareness, and navigate relationships with clarity and intention.
Set Boundaries: Honor your boundaries and communicate them openly with others. Voluntary celibacy gives you the agency to establish healthy limits in all aspects of your life, ensuring that your needs are respected and valued.
Focus on Personal Growth: Use this transformative journey to invest in personal growth and self-improvement. Take courses, read inspiring literature, attend workshops, and challenge yourself to become the best version of you.
Build a Supportive Community: Surround yourself with like-minded individuals who share similar values and goals. Building a supportive community can help you stay grounded and inspired on your voluntary celibacy journey.
Celebrate Your Choice: Finally, remember that voluntary celibacy is a powerful choice—a testament to your agency and self-love. Celebrate this decision and the journey it entails, embracing the empowerment it brings.
As we conclude this exploration of voluntary celibacy, we want to affirm that your choice is valid and worthy of celebration. Voluntary celibacy is an empowering journey of self-discovery, personal growth, and genuine connections. Embrace the power of your agency, and remember that you hold the key to a fulfilling and authentic life.
We hope that the insights and tips we've shared inspire and guide you on this path of empowerment and self-awareness. May your voluntary celibacy journey be one filled with love, joy, and the unfaltering belief in your own worth and potential.
