“She’s NOT a girl’s girl”
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As you probably know, Ariana Grande and her Wicked co-star Ethan Slater have been blasted all over the internet for entering into a romantic relationship with each other while still being legally married. To make matters more complicated, Slater’s estranged wife Lily Jay recently gave birth to their first and only child last August 2022 and is not even a full year postpartum. Rumors of this controversial relationship began a few weeks ago and were only confirmed through the blazing commentary given to Page Six by Jay a few days ago. Jay accused Grande of not being “a girl’s girl” and that her family remains the “collateral damage” of Grande’s actions.
Naturally, I found out about this situation during my last doom scroll. It was nice to see news unrelated to what I have a tendency to consider the “big problems” —climate change, reproductive rights, structural racism, etc. Memes like these were a welcomed distraction to the heaviness that my algorithm likes to trap me in:
Celebrity gossip is always fun at first, especially when those involved seem so disconnected and far away from my life, loved ones, and those “big problems” I mentioned earlier. However, upon further inspection, I believe the discourse around this situation is one of those “big problems”. More specifically, I think it provides the perfect mirror to our collective lack of political literacy and a litmus for our ability to truly employ the feminist concepts we chronically online Gen Z and Millennials claim to embrace.
Now, before I begin, let me make something adequately clear. I am NOT defending the actions of either Grande or Slater. In my personal opinion, if the accusations against them are true they have both engaged in behavior that’s disrespectful and careless. Jay is not just Slater’s wife but mother to his child. She has literally sacrificed her body to bring his child into the world. Childbirth is as beautiful as it is barbaric, and we are unaware of Jay’s pregnancy journey with Slater. However, we are aware of the emotional labor (i.e. attention, intimacy, etc.) required to start a new romantic relationship. If Slater is getting cozied up with Grande, how much can he really be adequately present for his long-distance wife who is going through postpartum healing?
While much of the discourse surrounding the controversy has focused heavily on Grande’s so-called “homewrecking” ways, not enough of it has focused on how women who’ve given childbirth are let down by their cishet male partners. I’m uninterested in constantly talking about Grande’s behavior as I don’t think it’s productive to the feminist movement. Too much of the discourse is disguising genuine opinions with outright misogynistic attacks against Grande. While they might make you feel good in the short-term, how is this advancing the collective struggles of women in the long-term? I do not believe it is.
Within heteronormative relationships, men are more likely to cheat on their woman partners. More worryingly, the chances of man cheating once a woman is pregnant increases directly in relation to the increased growth of the fetus. We might not want to admit it to ourselves, but a woman can’t “steal” a man away from another in a consenting relationship.
A man has to want to be with someone else and actively invite a break in the committed partnership. A man who is loyal and takes his promises to a woman seriously will not entertain another woman’s advances while he is with her. Moreover, if he felt that he wanted to explore new options, he would communicate with her his feelings and break it off with her in a respectful and timely manner. Women who engage in illicit relationships with married men are intimately involving themselves with men who lack care for the women in their lives. She is not winning anymore than the woman who said married man is in the relationship with.
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It might be true that Ariana isn’t “a girl’s girl”. But Ethan Slater isn’t an example of an ideal girl’s man and that should worry us more.
Of course, this does not absolve the “other women” from personal responsibility, especially in the case of Grande who is still legally married to Gomez. But it does emphasize the importance of focusing on the married man, in this case Slater, who is the primary beneficiary of the entire ordeal. Jay becomes an unwilling single parent to an infant, Ariana bears the primary blame and, thus, attacks to her reputation, and Slater is seen as just another of the Hollywood men who just can’t respect their romantic commitments. How is it that in 2023 we still struggle to hold the cheating, married father the most accountable in such a situation where his actions are easily the most egregious?
I mourn for Jay because it seems as if the man she loved wasn’t up for the task of following through on his word. He doesn’t seem to respect her or the labor she did to bring his child into the world. His behavior is disappointing but completely unsurprising. It might be true that Ariana isn’t “a girl’s girl”. But Ethan Slater isn’t an example of an ideal girl’s man and that should worry us more. No woman deserves to be treated the way Jay and other postpartum or currently pregnant women who share her story have been. Let’s talk more about that, shall we?
Nichole
Nichole (she/her) is the 26-year-old founder of W&S. When not busy writing a paper or running her business, you can find her at her local pilates studio butterfly stretching or indulging in plant-based burger.
