I’ve Always Wanted to be a Mother.
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I’ve always wanted to be a mother. I would push strollers around with my very dressed up dolls and had intricate rituals in place for ‘pretending’ our lives together. In my imagination, I was always a mother of three that was working from home and had a rich husband that was always ‘away and busy with business’. I treated my dolls like family. They did everything I did; we read books, watched films, visited loved ones together. Where I went they went.
I tell this story because I began adulthood with a lot of shame toward my desire to parent. I became a progressive the first year of my liberal arts degree when Marx and Engles were that week’s assigned reading. I remember my world shifting on its axis, and everything that I thought I knew before suddenly became so fragile. I was unsure about what I wanted, and who I was for that matter, because the family I desired seemed undoubtedly at odds with the world I thought we needed.
Many women, especially women of color, come from conservative-leaning backgrounds that teach us what a woman is and isn’t. It hurts me to say, but growing up, many adults in my life discouraged my tendencies for leadership and tenacity for challenging the status quo. Concepts like 'women are seen not heard’, “men are the heads of the household” were hailed as undeniable truths in the circles I frequented in my childhood. I knew I didn’t align with these ideals, but I also knew that those projecting them onto me were people I loved and respected. For that reason, I regularly made myself smaller, shapeshifting into the very narrow boxes their conditional support required of me.
Going to university was very liberating for me as I finally understood that I can be whoever I wanted. It might sound simple, but there is something very profound about a brown girl moving across the world as a teenager to a country she’s never been to. I realized that I could exterminate anything in my life that didn’t serve me. With that, I began to outwardly reject many of the conservative views I was encouraged to adopt in my younger life. I began to wear the low-cut shirts I always dreamed of, pierced my belly button, got a tattoo on my ass, and a lot more I’m not willing to share publicly.
As I reflect on my journey toward embracing my desire to be a mother, I am struck by how much my perspective has shifted over the years. When I was younger, my dream of motherhood was entwined with societal expectations and conservative values that I felt at odds with. But as I grew older and became more independent, I began to realize that my desire for a family was rooted in something deeper: a love for nurturing and a desire to create something meaningful.
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For a long time, I struggled to reconcile my desire to be a mother with my feminist beliefs and progressive values.
Now, as I sit here on Mother's Day, I am filled with gratitude for all the women who have mothered me over the years. From my own mother to the aunts, cousins, and friends who have supported me throughout my life, I am keenly aware of the sacrifices and joys that come with motherhood. I am also filled with a sense of anticipation and excitement for the day when I too will be a mother.
For a long time, I struggled to reconcile my desire to be a mother with my feminist beliefs and progressive values. But I've come to realize that there is no contradiction between the two. Being a mother doesn't mean giving up my autonomy or my dreams of equality and justice. Instead, it means creating a new generation that is imbued with those same values and raising them to be strong, compassionate, and empowered individuals.
So here's to all the mothers out there who have made sacrifices and worked tirelessly to raise their children. And here's to all the women who, like me, are still on the journey toward motherhood. Whether you're planning to have kids, struggling with infertility, or choosing a different path altogether, know that your worth and your identity are not tied to your ability to reproduce. We are all complex, multifaceted individuals with a unique set of dreams and aspirations. But for those of us who do choose motherhood, let us embrace it fully and without shame, knowing that it is a beautiful and fulfilling part of the human experience. Happy Mother's Day to all!
Nichole
Nichole (she/her) is the 26-year-old founder of W&S. When not busy writing a paper or running her business, you can find her at her local pilates studio butterfly stretching or indulging in plant-based burger.
